You Get What You Need ~ Rolling Stones
December 2006 - Sibling Picture!
My first-official-start-of-training ride was last week. 30 miles around Harrisburg, PA via the Greenbelt loop + some improvisation since either there is a sign missing or I started daydreaming somewhere around Reservoir Park. Yes there is a map on the internet for this loop but I like exploring so it’s fine. One of my goals this year is to ride with groups more but I did this ride solo. I do understand the benefits of group rides (learning to ride in a group being one). However on my last couple of group rides I missed the freedom of stopping for ice cream, talking to farm animals, lying down in a field – I like to do all of these things, because I can.
Part of what attracts me to biking is that it clears my mind in a way that nothing else can. I process things when I ride, it calms me. I spent this ride thinking about the fact that I was riding through Harrisburg. Harrisburg, PA – the town I left at age 18 with absolutely no plans to return. There’s a story here. I’m always good for a story.
I moved back here – back home – in 2005 to adopt a baby. I was ready to start my own family and so I started the process to make that happen. I wanted my family and friends to be nearby since it takes a village and I would be a single parent (I wanted free babysitters). I got a job, bought a house (I built a nest), and spent nine months completing a mountain of paperwork. In September 2006 I was on top of the world when I dropped my completed documents in the mailbox and started counting down the months to bring Sadie home. Yes, she had a name. One week later to the day I woke up with a lump.
And so it was. The year I expected to be picking out cribs and daycare centers became a dizzying blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, treatments. It sucked, I won’t dwell on it.
When I first moved home I was often asked “what brought you back to the area?” and I’d announce to anyone that would listen “I’m adopting a baby!!” It was that cut and dry and so exciting and I couldn’t have imagined any other reason that I’d move back here. As months and then years started to pass the answer became “To be near friends and family” but still internally “I thought I’d have a daughter by now but we can’t always get what we want – new subject please…”
I’m realizing lately that I think about why I moved home in a new way. “I’m from here” is what comes out now when people ask, but internally “So my family and friends could be here for me when I got cancer, to get better, to heal.” And I know now that was the whole point in the first place really – family. I needed roots, a support system, stability. To feel like I belonged somewhere, to be there for the family I have and love and for them be there for me. Really – the word family sums it up and I don’t even need to say much more. I don’t know how I feel about coincidences but I do know that I spent 15 years away from Harrisburg and never planned to return. It’s not like I moved one town over – life took me - I took me – down South, out West…. Africa, the Middle East…New Jersey:) And less than 1 year after buying a house 5 miles from my parents I got cancer. Coincidence or Luck? I don’t know but I’ll take it.
I have a family now – I had them all along. They were the people who couldn’t have been more supportive when I needed them most. Some of my favorite memories ever are experiences I had while I was sick because it brought me together with my family and the people who mean the most to me. I also now have a new family of amazing young survivor sisters who I could call on for anything – they have my back and I hope they know they can count on me as well for anything. They are my “sorority” sisters (it’s our crappy sorority none of us asked to join). When we meet we have an instant bond that only we share where a smile means “I get it”. I am grateful to know them.
As for Sadie…I let the idea of her go last November. Cancer did not take her from me – cancer ruins a lot of things but this ‘letting go’ came down to China wait times reaching an all time high of another 8 or so years. I can’t plan that far ahead- life mocks me when I do that. If I’m meant to be a mom that will work itself out in its own time, in its own way. Today I’m living in the moment and enjoying every bit of it.
That’s all for now. It’s June…TdP season is underway, and I have some bike routes to plot…
