Before our first ride - my dad has a pink bike!

OK I’m not gonna lie – I was nervous about us riding together because we have very different training styles (he knows what he is doing and I don’t) I’m sure he thought I would be too slow or would stop mid-ride to pick flowers or something. I assumed he wouldn’t notice me picking flowers because he’d have zoomed way ahead and would just be a dot up ahead in the distance. What ended up happening is that we rode together perfectly well – he was pleasantly surprised I wasn’t too slow; I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to ride with him. It also wasn’t lost on me that we were riding down at the Jersey shore, which is where he had an awful accident years ago and was hit by a motorcycle going 60+ mph while he was on his bike. He says he’s ridden since then, I can’t picture it. I certainly don’t remember him riding at the shore after that. He looked cautious but comfortable on our ride. He taught me how to draft behind him (wow that makes a difference). I hope to teach him the importance of pre-ride sunscreen application by the time training is over.

Marietta, PA

By Friday I was back from the shore and squeezed in a 27 mile ride from Three Mile Island down to McCleary’s in Marietta, PA and back. That’s a favorite ride of mine – rolling hills, farms, the river, the town of Marietta, plus the nuclear power plant which is at least makes for an interesting view.

OK that’s my update. I’m starting fundraising this week, training is on track, and my ride is 82 days away!

December 2006 - Sibling Picture!

My first-official-start-of-training ride was last week. 30 miles around Harrisburg, PA via the Greenbelt loop + some improvisation since either there is a sign missing or I started daydreaming somewhere around Reservoir Park. Yes there is a map on the internet for this loop but I like exploring so it’s fine. One of my goals this year is to ride with groups more but I did this ride solo. I do understand the benefits of group rides (learning to ride in a group being one). However on my last couple of group rides I missed the freedom of stopping for ice cream, talking to farm animals, lying down in a field – I like to do all of these things, because I can. 

Part of what attracts me to biking is that it clears my mind in a way that nothing else can. I process things when I ride, it calms me. I spent this ride thinking about the fact that I was riding through Harrisburg. Harrisburg, PA – the town I left at age 18 with absolutely no plans to return.  There’s a story here. I’m always good for a story.

I moved back here – back home – in 2005 to adopt a baby. I was ready to start my own family and so I started the process to make that happen. I wanted my family and friends to be nearby since it takes a village and I would be a single parent (I wanted free babysitters). I got a job, bought a house (I built a nest), and spent nine months completing a mountain of paperwork.  In September 2006 I was on top of the world when I dropped my completed documents in the mailbox and started counting down the months to bring Sadie home. Yes, she had a name. One week later to the day I woke up with a lump.

And so it was. The year I expected to be picking out cribs and daycare centers became a dizzying blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, treatments. It sucked, I won’t dwell on it.

When I first moved home I was often asked “what brought you back to the area?” and I’d announce to anyone that would listen “I’m adopting a baby!!” It was that cut and dry and so exciting and I couldn’t have imagined any other reason that I’d move back here. As months and then years started to pass the answer became “To be near friends and family” but still internally “I thought I’d have a daughter by now but we can’t always get what we want – new subject please…”

I’m realizing lately that I think about why I moved home in a new way. “I’m from here” is what comes out now when people ask, but internally “So my family and friends could be here for me when I got cancer, to get better, to heal.”  And I know now that was the whole point in the first place really – family. I needed roots, a support system, stability. To feel like I belonged somewhere, to be there for the family I have and love and for them be there for me. Really – the word family sums it up and I don’t even need to say much more.  I don’t know how I feel about coincidences but I do know that I spent 15 years away from Harrisburg and never planned to return. It’s not like I moved one town over – life took me - I took me – down South, out West…. Africa, the Middle East…New Jersey:) And less than 1 year after buying a house 5 miles from my parents I got cancer. Coincidence or Luck? I don’t know but I’ll take it.

I have a family now – I had them all along. They were the people who couldn’t have been more supportive when I needed them most.  Some of my favorite memories ever are experiences I had while I was sick because it brought me together with my family and the people who mean the most to me. I also now have a new family of amazing young survivor sisters who I could call on for anything – they have my back and I hope they know they can count on me as well for anything. They are my “sorority” sisters (it’s our crappy sorority none of us asked to join). When we meet we have an instant bond that only we share where a smile means “I get it”. I am grateful to know them. 

As for Sadie…I let the idea of her go last November. Cancer did not take her from me – cancer ruins a lot of things but this ‘letting go’ came down to China wait times reaching an all time high of another 8 or so years. I can’t plan that far ahead- life mocks me when I do that. If I’m meant to be a mom that will work itself out in its own time, in its own way. Today I’m living in the moment and enjoying every bit of it.

That’s all for now. It’s June…TdP season is underway, and I have some bike routes to plot…

My new bike rack rocks. Does its job every time.

I have registered for the 2010 YSC Tour de Pink. I knew before last year’s ride ended that I would ride again. Blogging again was a different story. Before I wrote my first entry last summer I made a very conscious decision that I would write as a way to keep those close to me up to date on my training progress, to educate people about breast cancer in young women (yes we get this disease, yes it sucks), and as a form of therapy for myself. Writing was extremely therapeutic – as much as the training itself although I couldn’t have done one without the other since I did most of my mental processing while I rode. But I never intended the blog to continue past last October.  By nature and by profession I am a planner and an analyzer and I reasoned that if my blog had an end…well that would keep me from wallowing in my cancer experience for too long and after 4 months my ride + blog would end, I could simply emerge victorious and strong and move on with my life.  Said differently, my blog would have a beginning, a middle, an end and then I wrap my cancer experience up in a little bow and be on my way, healed inside and out and ready for my next chapter. Yes I was that naïve just a year ago and of course life doesn’t work that way. Being a cancer survivor certainly doesn’t work that way. I’m still a cancer survivor. I’m still healing mentally. Moving on and leaving that part of me behind would be as easy as leaving behind an organ or an extremity – I wouldn’t even know how to separate that part of me from my whole and at this point I don’t know that I want to knowing it would take the good parts of my experience with it. More on that later.   

Back to my first statement: I have registered for the 2010 YSC Tour de Pink. Such a simple statement for such a serious undertaking. Honestly I’m almost as nervous the second time around as the first and for good reason: Last year’s ride totally kicked my ass. I’m almost hesitant to write that just in case any first year riders stumble upon this looking for inspiration. I can do inspiration, I promise, stick with me…but if I’m being honest here I really need to admit I did not feel well after last year’s ride. 200+ miles is really freaking hard and to stick with my Rocky theme I don’t mind saying I ‘went the distance’. But I want to do better this year – I will do better this year. Better for me means I don’t feel like I was run over by a train or something large and mighty afterwards.  I think I can do this because I’m in better shape now than I was last May when I started from ground zero. On good days I find exercise fun (in my head: take THAT cancer, go me, woot!), on days when I feel like bagging my workout I remind myself that exercise lessens my chance of recurrence, keeps my stress level down and my outlook positive. Some days I totally bag it anyway and head to the tavern (keeping it real here). I do know that riding is better than not riding, it keeps me strong, it keeps me sane, relatively sane anyway. I don’t know if sane people ride that far after cancer treatments, or ever.

So here I am again. I’m no athlete and I’m no writer. But I am a survivor and a thriver with a bike to ride and thoughts to share. Check in on me from time to time and I’ll do my best to keep it real and keep you all updated from now through October, one blog at a time…

 The day I found out I had cancer my dad mowed my lawn. It likely needed it since my goal has always been to never have the worst lawn on the block- plus he wanted to give me privacy to make the “Hey guess what!” calls to friends and family. More than that I think he just needed to do SOMETHING for me.  I can only imagine that loved ones feel very powerless when cancer strikes and I am grateful for all that everyone has done for the past 3 years- I can’t even list all the acts of kindness- from taking me to appointments, keeping me company when I was sick, finding TV channels I didn’t know I had, the “mystery” neighbor who shoveled my driveway one morning when I never could have – I could go on and on and on- I’ve been touched by it all.  Thank you.

I am especially touched by all of the support I have received this summer – people close to me knew I was nervous about fundraising- it’s not my personality to ask for anything – to a fault. But I put the word out and the money started POURING in and I realize now it is a way for people to do SOMETHING to help and you guys really went all out. I’ve raised over $7,000 and I’m so thankful- thank you thank you thank you because it does go to such a great cause. Thank you to my friends and family for all the emotional support and kind words of encouragement.  A giant thanks to my new TDP family, the YSC, Hershey, Giant for Women – such an amazing event you have all created and I still can’t believe my luck to work for a company that supports my cause in such an enormous way.  The weekend exceeded any expectations I had. I had no idea how far I could really ride and it’s a great feeling to feel this strong and to know how far I’ve come.

Sooo..in closing….2010 anyone??? Count me in – I wouldn’t miss it!!!

Amy & Evan

OK so back to Day 3…sunny, rolling hills, a perfect ride – 54 miles. I rode the back ½ of the ride with Jeff (thanks Jeff for staying with me!) and we all rolled into Bridgewater, ate BBQ, boarded buses and headed to NYC where we had Sunday night on our own and I met up with my family for dinner. One beer about put me into a sleep coma and I headed back to the hotel and set my alarm for 5:45 so I could ride Central Park in the morning with Team Hershey (because after 3 days on a bike, why not?). Around 8:30 we all gathered for our ceremonial finish through NYC where we ended at FOX and Friends- hopefully some of you were able to catch of us on the news! My parents and Rod were there to see me and the entire weekend and finish were simply amazing and unforgettable.  200 miles – I still can’t believe I did that and the adrenalin still hasn’t worn off yet!

So quick recap: Temperature- Cold; Conditions- Windy; Route-Hilly; Miles ridden-80;  Candy Bars consumed-2 (I’m counting Twizzlers as a bar here); Massages-3, Times Amy popped her Chain-1; Deer Fatalities- 2 (one hit my dad’s car on the way to Chocolate World, the 2nd I heard about 2nd hand happened during the ride); People-Awesome. I’m sure there is so much more to report but I’m spent.

So now I’m under the covers, signing off, getting ready to wake up and do it again tomorrow:)

My second goal for this ride is to raise awareness about breast cancer, particularly in women under 40 and I hope that I’m doing that by getting my story out there. Breast Cancer was the last thing on my mind when I was diagnosed. Although my cancer was further along than we would have hoped, I currently show no evidence of the disease and I credit my medical team for that; I also credit myself for calling the doctor within hours of feeling my lump. I do want to encourage people to do self breast exams.  If something doesn’t seem right, call your doctor.  If your doctor says you are too young to have breast cancer, get a new doctor. My doctor never said that to me, but that is a story I hear over and over again from other young survivors. Finally, if you are or know one of the 11,000 young women who will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year- there is a group of women out there just like you- the Young Survival Coalition.  They are fun and inspiring and collectively have pretty much seen it all. They will support you.

Part of my raising awareness was more personal in nature- I decided to start my blog as a way to keep family and friends updated on my training, but also to bring them into my new world- my “after cancer” life. I find that sometimes even family and friends can feel nervous to ask certain questions and I wanted to take some of the mystery out of the treatments. For example, yes I did have a double mastectomy but the reason I don’t look flat is they were replaced with silicone. And before they were replaced I stuffed my bra with foam (or walked around flat- depended on the occasion). The truth is so much about cancer treatments is bizarre- many “I cannot believe this is my life” moments. Some are funny, some are frustrating, some sad. But by writing them down I feel like I’m able to let people I care about into my world because going through all the weirdness alone would just be, well, lonely!  And no one wants that!

I’m off to pack now. The next time I post will be from my ride…my updates will likely be short but I’ll do my best to let everyone know how I’m doing!!!

Scenic Middletown, PA

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness here are some of my favorite things about being a Breast Cancer Survivor. There are actually more, but here are 5 for now:

1. I’m warmer that I used to be. This is purely my opinion but I honestly believe I’m more cold resistant since I went through menopause. To explain- chemo induces menopause but in my case just before starting chemo my doctors gave me a Lupron shot in an attempt to protect my ovaries and preserve my fertility. So I spent 10 months in menopause- hot flashes, mood swings, the works. The positive was no PMS for 10 months (PMS on top of cancer treatments- I would have been a nightmare!). Ten months later I emerged- no more menopause. During that time I packed all my heavy sweaters away- I couldn’t stand to wear them due to the hot flashes, which was so weird for me because prior to that I always dreaded winter – I felt like I could never get warm. But even now I still can’t bring myself to wear them- even in the middle of January they make me feel hot. I like feeling warm so I don’t mind.  
2. People are nice to you when you have cancer. This is especially true while you are sick and just following diagnosis. Yes of course people are/should be nice all the time, but they are especially nice when they’ve thought about what it would be like to not have you around. Enjoy it.
3. No bra. This is nice but not quite as great as it sounds because even though I have no use for a bra (I am 100% silicone, these things will not budge under any circumstances), I FEEL like I am wearing a bra 24/7. It used to feel like I was wearing one made of cast iron, now it just feels like I’m wearing one in a size too small – something I’d love to remove at the end of the day but can’t. But I can pull off just about any shirt/dress/etc. without worrying about straps or support so it’s not so bad. As a side note you’d think by not needing a bra my Victoria’s Secret card would get a rest. I’m great at rationalizing though so I compensate for my cancer ordeal by buying every thing else there instead.
4. I appear to be thinner since having cancer.  Note the word “appear”. The only difference between now and then is I was rebuilt a size or so smaller- it’s completely an illusion but I am a woman and never mind hearing I lost weight.
5. Cool Experiences. There have been so many cool experiences. I constantly meet inspiring women- through the YSC, through my doctor’s office- women much cooler and tougher than myself and they are such great motivators and help me to stay positive and focus on being healthy. A free bike, video shoots, photo shoots, training for a 227 mile bike ride (it never would have occurred to me to ride that far before cancer!). Free chocolate too!!!

And yes, of course I trained this weekend- I did my last LONG ride because thankfully now I am in the “tapering” stage.  I rode Saturday morning- 60 miles from my house in Linglestown, through Hershey, Elizabethtown, down to Marietta for lunch at McCleary’s, back up 441 past Three Mile Island and back to home. I honestly felt great which is encouraging because I’m one week from go time!!!!

Ps. My quote! I’m headed for my quarterly check up right NOW…I have no worries though